I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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