And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
