we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
