Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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