I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
