How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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