I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
