I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His nipple licking is glorious
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