That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
