dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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