WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
