apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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