I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
