I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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