I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
