Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
