Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
