Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
