There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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