I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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