apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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