The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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