You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no you cant smoke seaweed
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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