So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
