Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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