Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
