Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
