i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize