thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
