Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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