I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I understand Curling. That high.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
