i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
