I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
