Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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