Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
