You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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