Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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