wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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