is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
