made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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