Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
