1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
