Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
