Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
