i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
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I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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