I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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