I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
