I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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