Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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