Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
