Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
