just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
