Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
