Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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