I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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